Tuesday, September 28, 2010

How to Win Friends and Influence People(?)

Last week, the Republicans in the U.S. Senate (joined by two Dems plus Harry Reid for procedural reasons) filibustered an attempt to debate the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell.  My lawyer friend Donnie posted a comment on his Facebook wall about it.  A charming stay-at-home mom from Louisiana posted a grammatically horrid response along the lines of "AS A PROUD MARINE WIFE it ain't right that my husband has to pee and sh*t next to gay guys. Gays shouldn't hit on straight people, it makes them uncomfortable!" She then proceeded to call some of the responders to her ignorant message some, ahem, choice words for gay people.

So I took a deep breath and decided I'd try to use a little polite logic with her.  I wrote her the following:

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Good evening. You don't know me. I'm a lawyer and a friend of Donnie's. I saw your posts today and understand you defriended Donnie. I also understand someone sent you a message, which I assume wasn't very nice. I was just hoping to respond in a more calm, rational way and then leave it at that.

To start off, I wanted to point out that my father, my uncle, and both grandfathers proudly fought in Vietnam and World War II respectively. I have deep respect for your husband's service and thank him for all he's doing for our country and our security. And I honor your service by raising children while your husband is deployed, which I'm sure is far more difficult than most people can possibly imagine.

I grew up in a rural town in PA where most people still think about gay people the way you do. I was gay. I got out, went to college and law school and now live in Chicago. I realize our worlds are very different. But I completely understand your mindset and your discomfort with gay people. I see it in old friends and family members. When you're not used to gay people, it's a lot like not being used to black people or any other group of people that seem a bit weird to you. I was 11 when I first shook a black person's hand... and I looked down to see if the color rubbed off onto mine. I look back at that now and laugh (and my black friends think I'm retarded), but I had never met a black person before 11 years-old so it seemed like a natural reaction. So, believe me, I get your frustration.

And for the record, if a gay dude did made an unwanted advance on your husband, I apologize on behalf of the gays. No one should ever try to make others uncomfortable when they know the other person isn't interested. Rest assured, it happens to gay guys all the time too. A few weeks ago, I was at a birthday party at a straight bar when I eventually had to tell a drunk female that I was gay and therefore not interested. "Are you sure you don't just want to go in the alley and make out?" she asked. I suppose I could have been upset at her persistence--as though she was forcing her heterosexuality onto me--but instead I took it as a compliment that she thought I was good looking enough to keep pestering after I had told her I didn't like girls.

Along those lines, I had a really (self-proclaimed) ugly straight professor in college. He told our class of 500 students the one day that the first time anyone ever hit on him was in college and that it was a gay guy. Rather than get upset, he thought to himself, "Gee, at least someone thinks I'm attractive." So if a gay soldier ever does hit on your husband, perhaps he could laugh it off as a compliment. Cause let's face it, one day we'll ALL be old and ugly and no one will think we're attractive except our spouses (and our children when they want to ask us for money).

Gay people in the military live in constant fear that they cannot speak about their personal lives or they risk being discharged. Male soldiers make up fake girlfriends and female soldiers make up fake boyfriends. It's hard to explain to someone who has never had to go through it, but it takes a tremendous emotional toll to hide a huge part of your identity--to be unable to share that amazing letter you just received, or that heartfelt and much needed phone call. And it's also hard to believe that lying to your fellow soldiers--the brave warriors you're supposed to depend on to have your back in battle--is something that somehow fosters unit cohesion and trust. Every single Western ally we have has ended their gay bans in the military.  And all have seen no bad effects from doing so.

I hope at the end of the day you do realize that someone being uncomfortable is neither a reason to treat another person differently nor violate the Constitution's Freedom of Association and Equal Protection guarantees. Using your logic, President Eisenhower should not have integrated the Armed Services to allow Blacks to serve alongside Whites because it made some white soldiers uncomfortable. We look back at Eisenhower's decision now and realize it was the right--if unpopular--thing to do.

At the end of the day, gay and lesbian people just want to serve their country, pay their taxes, and suffer through their miserable jobs like everyone else. It may be hard to see that when all you see on the news are angry people with piercings and multi-colored hair shouting with protest signs. But for every angry protester there's a hundred regular people like me and Donnie who just want to live boring, pleasant lives.

If you got to the end of this, thank you. And again, thank your husband and all our brave men and women who fight so that we can have the freedom to have discussions like these safely at home.

God bless you and your family

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Now, you'd think a lovely little e-mail like that would tear at the heart strings.  You'd be wrong.  I received a short, rude response that indicated she hadn't even read it.  And she wrote another of Donnie's friends the following: "U r a FAGGET! U need to sit back and look at ur fucking self! Its b/c of ppl like u yall get yalls asses kicked! Yall need to keep to ur fucking selves and live in ur own village! One thing u DO NOT DO IS PISS ME OFF! My HUSBAND protects ur gay ass! It does become a BIG DEAL with gay ppl do hit on straight ppl! Ive seen it for myself! It honestly does make ppl un comfortable! So don't send me another mesg like u did!"

My first instinct was to call her fat, ugly, and stupid.  But I composed myself a moment and managed the following, "Your response was so Christian. Bless you and your tiny mind and inability to use grammar. I forgive you for your multitude of sins, my child. I doubt Jesus will be so generous."  Condescending to be sure, but avoiding the fat-ugly-stupid triumvirate.  At this point I realized that I'd spent over an hour dealing with a redneck who most likely lacked both the mental capacity to listen as well as the desire to learn.  And I felt stupid for even having tried.

But redneck lady aside, I continued my long struggle with one of life's most perplexing questions: After you've offered up a polite, logical argument and have been shot down by malice, what is the appropriate response? And this, dear reader, is where I'd like your help.

Carrot... Then Stick

You see, I learned long ago not to initially fight fire with fire.  Ms. Redneck was already fired up and if I had come at her with some rude words right off the bat, she'd have just dismissed me as an angry homo.  "Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head." Rom 12:20.  But what happens when even kindness fails?  What if you realize you're never going to get through to her?  What if you realize that the only satisfying response would be to resort to 5th grade recess tactics and call her fat not only to make her angry and soothe your own soul but also to let her know you're not going to take any more of her crap?  Is that acceptable?

History has chosen to remember Martin Luther King, Jr. for his non-violent protesting in this regard.  But I've always, always thought that it was a combination of the tactics of Dr. King combined with people like Malcolm X and the Black Panthers who got sh*t done.  Let's face it, some white folk were going to be swayed by Dr. King's peaceful ways and wise words, while others needed a big scary Black Panther with a giant afro and a machine gun. Carrot... then stick. And heck, even Dr. King famously said the night before his death, "And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."

No Stick? How 'Bout an Insult?

When the carrot fails (and you can't use a stick because battery is illegal), is an insult the next best thing?  At first, you want to persuade with your logic to get the person on your side.  But when you see the person cannot be convinced, I think your motivation changes.  If you can't change her mind, shouldn't you at least get some satisfaction out of making her feel bad?  Lest we call such tactics petty, let's remember Dr. King.  A man can't ride your back unless it's bent.  A redneck shouldn't get to call you a "fagget," reject your polite arguments, and then you just stand there and take it.  At some point you have to straighten your back and call out the meth-faced creature for what it is.  To do otherwise would encourage future hatred on her part. 

Or am I being too harsh?  The Bible would have instructed us: "But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.  If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."  Matt 5:39-41.  Can such vile submission be justified in 2010 when people are as callous as ever?  The New Testament's "turn the other cheek" was supposed to be the new, hip version of the Old Testament's "an eye for an eye."  Because as the writers of the New Testament must have realized, and Gandhi has said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."  Frankly, I'm not sure either approach would work 100% of the time.

It seems to me, MLK and Jesus are in direct conflict here.  And I'm inclined to go with my buddy Dr. King: logic, peace, kindness... but if that fails, straighten up your back and call a b*tch out.  Does this further our cause, or am I letting emotions get the better of me?

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