Dissecting Kanye

Last night at the MTV VMAs, after the winner was announced for Best Female Video, Kanye West jumped on stage, stole the microphone from teenager and first-time VMA winner Taylor Swift, and pronounced that Beyonce should have won. Beyonce looked stunned, the crowd booed, Taylor tried to finish her speech but by then her mic had been cut, and then the producers rather hastily moved on to something else. Beyonce won the last award--Video of the Year--and graciously gave the mic to Taylor so she could finish her speech.

If you're keeping score at home: Beyonce +100; Kanye -1,000,000.

But, of course, as a lawyer, it's always fun to parse not only what was done but also what was said. Let's look at what Kanye Douchenozzle West had to say, shall we?

As he leaped on stage, he uttered these charming sentences: "Taylor, I’m really happy for you. Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time! One of the best videos of all time!"

I'm going to let you finish? Well, how gracious of you! I mean, after all, MTV should have cleared all winners through Kanye first, so really this is their fault. But what a gentleman, he's going to let her finish her speech--you know, the one for the award she just won and for which he wasn't even nominated. As my friend Paul put it, even if he had jumped on stage to congratulate Taylor and to say she produced the best video ever made, he'd still be a douche for stealing her spotlight.

Then, in true Kanye fashion, he took to his blog shortly thereafter. In all caps, of course. He has since taken the following down... probably because his publicist told him that if he didn't he/she would quit and/or kill him.

After a half-assed apology, he writes, "BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!!" You see, Kayne, when you apologize, you're supposed to acknowledge that it's not all about you and your opinions. That's great that you liked Beyonce's video. Gee, so did I. But when you're apologizing for stealing a teenager's microphone you should, like, stick to the apology instead of trying to score points with Beyonce so you can pork her.

But he didn't stop there. "WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYONE WANNA BOOOO ME BUT I'M A REAL FAN OF POP CULTURE!!!" Real world? Well, I guess when the sun revolves around you in the "real" world, that statement makes perfect sense. Or does he really think that in the "real" world it's perfectly OK to jump on stage and yank the mic out of someone's hand? He is, after all, from the South Side of Chicago.

"I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME." Ah, I love this one. It's like saying, "I pay my taxes, so I can beat my wife." So you handed an award to Outkast at a prior award show when you thought they deserved it more than you (and they handed it back, might I add). Big deal. It's not called "humility" when you're Kanye and you do that; it's called grandstanding. And, in any event, doesn't this just reinforce your point that you think you're The One in charge of dispensing the Moonmen?

Finally, Kanye reminds us, "I'M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!!" Well, at least I agree with you here, Mr. West. To be "real" is to be true to oneself. You are indeed real. A real asshole. Congratulations. Now can we stop inviting this asshat to award shows?

Fortunately for us, Perez Hilton (who is almost as contemptible but at least he's a decent journalist) found a quotation from Kanye in 2007 explaining everything. "I'm a glitch in this matrix. Man, this music for me is like a sport. And the only thing we got for championships is, like, award shows. So if something goes wrong, I'm gonna scream at the ref." So there you have it, kids. Music is a game. The votes of the Academy--or whoever--don't matter. Kanye is like an indignant student who got a bad grade. "The teacher gave me a D." No, honey, in all likelihood, you earned a D. MTV chose a winner. It wasn't Beyonce. This isn't the U.S. Open. You're not Serena. Shut up. (But can we still assign a penalty point, please?)

(On a side note, my friend Josh had a keen observation. Janet Jackson shows a little nipple at the Super Bowl and MTV throws her under the bus, her career tanks, she loses her record contract, and some radio stations stop playing her. But Chris Brown beats up his young girlfriend and Kanye throws temper tantrums worthy of a five year-old on crack, and radio does next to nothing? I'm usually the last person to say something is "sexist," but, hel-LO.)