I remember asking Mr. Deramo, my ninth grade American History teacher, how you know when you're old. He laughed, said that was an excellent question (which is probably why I remember this--stroke the ego! stroke the ego!), and told me that when he had daughters, he realized he didn't like their music. Hence: old. The world had changed and he was left in the dust.
I'm 29. If I had shacked up and spawned at 20, I'd have a 9 year-old girl by now. She'd probably be into the Jonas Brothers, which, let's be honest here, is really just a less talented New Kids On the Block.
But it's not just music. It's technology and fashion. I remember a time when I noticed all the nifty little trends. I may not have followed them, but I at least was aware they were around me. Yesterday, I got off the train and saw a bunch of kids with these technicolor sneakers. I looked in a store window: more technicolor sneakers. I kept looking as I walked down the street: more technicolor! Did this change overnight? Or was I asleep at the wheel?
And then there's Twitter. Dear God, for the life of me, I don't get Twitter. A friend of mine described it as "micro-blogging." But it's limited to 140 characters. Can anything important really be analyzed in 140 characters? Anything? I suppose I "get it" for little news snippets. But most people using it use it to update you on their mundane events: "I'm on the bus. Lady next 2 me smells like fish. Tee hee." Really? Is this what we've come to? Does anyone care? And if they do, shouldn't they find something better to spend their precious seconds of life caring about?
Twitter to me is sort of like the pretty blond girl with fake titties you all know--we'll call this hypothetical one "Miss California." She's dumb, she's fake, she's new cool kid on the block (aka Fox News guest host), but eventually people are going to realize she's as useless as the saline in her chest cavity. Of course, I could be entirely wrong and Twitter could be the new internal combustion engine. What would I know? I'm old. Oh, and get off my damn lawn, you kids!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
I Want You To Like Me When I Lose Too!
This is just precious: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/nfl/05/18/harrison-obama/index.html?cnn=yes
Oh, silly little football player. It's like Marilyn Manson sings, "They love you when you're on all the covers. When you're not, then they love another."
Oh, silly little football player. It's like Marilyn Manson sings, "They love you when you're on all the covers. When you're not, then they love another."
Friday, May 8, 2009
Hypocrisy
I had a sociology professor in college who wanted to take a novel approach to teaching us about homosexuality. He said, essentially, if you want to take verses out of context in the Bible and believe what you think they mean about gay people, fine. But you have to do it for everything. So right after you get to those good ole "abomination" verses, you had to read the other verses nearby. (Ignoring the fact that the Greek word for "abomination" that was used actually meant a ritual impurity that offended the Jewish Holiness Code--not a moral sin, which had its own Greek word if the Bible's original authors had intended for it to be a sin.) So... what else can't you do if you read those charming verses from Leviticus? Curse your mom or dad, screw a girl on her period, cut your hair on the sides (or your beard), eat pork, eat shellfish, and wear cotton/poly blend clothes. What can you do? Oh, that's right, buy slaves! The Bible is full of great ideas for 2009!
Besides Biblical cherry picking, several other things got me thinking about hypocrisy lately: Miss California, DC Councilman Marion Barry, and the new documentary outing gay politicians: Outrage.
Miss California is, as Perez Hilton put it, a dumb bitch. But she's not a dumb bitch because she's against gay marriage, nor is she a dumb bitch for telling a gay judge her beliefs and thereby possibly losing first place. She's a dumb bitch because she's a liar and a hypocrite. You see, Miss California had some professionally taken naughty pictures when she was a teen. Nothing wrong with that. Well, unless you lie and tell the Miss California officials that no such pictures exist. And when one trickles out, you lie again and say that it's "the only one," only for more to keep trickling out. Hmmmm. You see, that sort of violates your contract. I know you're blond, honey, so that's a big word, but what it means is this: you could lose your pretty little sash. You see, lying in a legal context can have consequences. That's one reason your God warns against it.
But Miss California didn't just lie, she also displayed one of the Bible's least favorite traits: hypocrisy. Even if you're not going to buy my schtick on what the Bible really says about homosexuality, you can sleep well at night knowing that the Bible says nothing about same-sex marriage. Nothing. Yet Miss California took it upon herself to become a crusader for keeping loving, consenting adults in legal limbo. Not very Christian, you see, especially when she violated the Bible's clear commandment about dressing like a hobag: "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments." 1 Tim. 2:9. (Wonder if all those Southern Baptist ladies with their gaudy Sunday dresses have ever bothered to put down their mint juleps and read 1 Tim 2:9?)
To paraphrase the Book of Matthew: Those who throw Bibles at others should first pull the Bible out of their own ass... and read it. In Greek, preferably.
Then there's Marion Barry. Oh, Marion. You're too precious for words. Marion Barry is the former mayor of D.C. He is now the councilmember from the poorest district of D.C.: the Eighth Ward. Out of twelve D.C. city councilmembers, he was the only one to vote against an ordinance that would require the District to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions where they were legal. Then he gave a speech about how this is a moral issue and he was a "moral leader." However, as Jon Stewart rightly reminded us, this is the same Marion Barry who was caught in a hotel room--when he was the mayor--smoking crack with a prostitute. He famously said afterward, "Bitch set me up!"
I may not know much, but I do think that crackheads who cheat on their wives don't get to lecture the rest of us on what's moral or not. Oh well. Maybe he was high.
Finally, there's a new documentary coming out about those who do not... come out. It's about closeted gay politicians, but not just any closeted gay politicians. It's about the ones who vote against gay rights and then go back to their condos (or airport restrooms) and let it all hang out.
Since at least the dawn of the gay rights movement, there's been an ongoing debate about when--if ever--someone should be shoved out of the closet. On one hand, you have a right to personal privacy, and this is America, after all: the Land of Rugged Individualism. On the other hand, you have a duty to your community, to those like you, and perhaps most importantly to those who come after you, so that they do not have to endure the struggles you have endured.
There was a time when I thought people should be forcibly outed for "the good of the cause." But then I had friends in college who had lost everything when they came out: family, friends, and financial support. I know people who have lost inheritances. I know people who have been ex-communicated from their churches. Personally, I've suffered family fallout from fundamentalist family members who have forgotten the second greatest commandment is "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Matt 22:37-40. Coming out is a highly personal decision when you're a private figure. But when you're a public figure, things change.
Thus, it is with much thought that I subscribed to the Barney Frank theory of outing a few months ago: "I think there's a right to privacy. But the right to privacy should not be a right to hypocrisy. And people who want to demonize other people, shouldn't then be able to close the door and go home and do it themselves."
Miss California, Marion Barry, and all the gay closeted Republican politicians out there: chew on that for a bit. (Pssst... and Miss Cali, put some clothes on, you trashy tart! Jesus is watching!)
Besides Biblical cherry picking, several other things got me thinking about hypocrisy lately: Miss California, DC Councilman Marion Barry, and the new documentary outing gay politicians: Outrage.
Miss California is, as Perez Hilton put it, a dumb bitch. But she's not a dumb bitch because she's against gay marriage, nor is she a dumb bitch for telling a gay judge her beliefs and thereby possibly losing first place. She's a dumb bitch because she's a liar and a hypocrite. You see, Miss California had some professionally taken naughty pictures when she was a teen. Nothing wrong with that. Well, unless you lie and tell the Miss California officials that no such pictures exist. And when one trickles out, you lie again and say that it's "the only one," only for more to keep trickling out. Hmmmm. You see, that sort of violates your contract. I know you're blond, honey, so that's a big word, but what it means is this: you could lose your pretty little sash. You see, lying in a legal context can have consequences. That's one reason your God warns against it.
But Miss California didn't just lie, she also displayed one of the Bible's least favorite traits: hypocrisy. Even if you're not going to buy my schtick on what the Bible really says about homosexuality, you can sleep well at night knowing that the Bible says nothing about same-sex marriage. Nothing. Yet Miss California took it upon herself to become a crusader for keeping loving, consenting adults in legal limbo. Not very Christian, you see, especially when she violated the Bible's clear commandment about dressing like a hobag: "Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments." 1 Tim. 2:9. (Wonder if all those Southern Baptist ladies with their gaudy Sunday dresses have ever bothered to put down their mint juleps and read 1 Tim 2:9?)
To paraphrase the Book of Matthew: Those who throw Bibles at others should first pull the Bible out of their own ass... and read it. In Greek, preferably.
Then there's Marion Barry. Oh, Marion. You're too precious for words. Marion Barry is the former mayor of D.C. He is now the councilmember from the poorest district of D.C.: the Eighth Ward. Out of twelve D.C. city councilmembers, he was the only one to vote against an ordinance that would require the District to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions where they were legal. Then he gave a speech about how this is a moral issue and he was a "moral leader." However, as Jon Stewart rightly reminded us, this is the same Marion Barry who was caught in a hotel room--when he was the mayor--smoking crack with a prostitute. He famously said afterward, "Bitch set me up!"
I may not know much, but I do think that crackheads who cheat on their wives don't get to lecture the rest of us on what's moral or not. Oh well. Maybe he was high.
Finally, there's a new documentary coming out about those who do not... come out. It's about closeted gay politicians, but not just any closeted gay politicians. It's about the ones who vote against gay rights and then go back to their condos (or airport restrooms) and let it all hang out.
Since at least the dawn of the gay rights movement, there's been an ongoing debate about when--if ever--someone should be shoved out of the closet. On one hand, you have a right to personal privacy, and this is America, after all: the Land of Rugged Individualism. On the other hand, you have a duty to your community, to those like you, and perhaps most importantly to those who come after you, so that they do not have to endure the struggles you have endured.
There was a time when I thought people should be forcibly outed for "the good of the cause." But then I had friends in college who had lost everything when they came out: family, friends, and financial support. I know people who have lost inheritances. I know people who have been ex-communicated from their churches. Personally, I've suffered family fallout from fundamentalist family members who have forgotten the second greatest commandment is "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Matt 22:37-40. Coming out is a highly personal decision when you're a private figure. But when you're a public figure, things change.
Thus, it is with much thought that I subscribed to the Barney Frank theory of outing a few months ago: "I think there's a right to privacy. But the right to privacy should not be a right to hypocrisy. And people who want to demonize other people, shouldn't then be able to close the door and go home and do it themselves."
Miss California, Marion Barry, and all the gay closeted Republican politicians out there: chew on that for a bit. (Pssst... and Miss Cali, put some clothes on, you trashy tart! Jesus is watching!)
Monday, April 27, 2009
Burundi Outlaws Homosexuality. You Can Do That?
Joining such geniuses as "President" Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe in his condemnation of gays, the President of the lovely lil' African nation of Burundi said that he will sign new legislation outlawing homosexuality. The punishment will be up to three years in jail and heavy fines.
Our friend Wikipedia notes that Burundi is one of the poorest nations on the planet. Over 80% of its people live in poverty. I'm so glad this country's leaders are focusing on the things that are really important. Screw food and shelter; imprison them gays!
I wonder if anyone took the time to explain to Burundi's elected leaders that you cannot choose to be gay. Recent scholarship uncovered that the oft cited "gay conversion" studies of the 1970s may have been faked. It's like one man interviewed for a psychological study once answered in response to the question of whether he chose to be gay: "Who wakes up one morning and decides to be society's definition of a deviant?" And, really, anyone who "chooses" to limit his dating pool to 10% or less of the population would just be stupid... or really bad at math.
While no one would mistake American conservatives for Burundi nutjobs--I mean, I'm sure no Republican politician would advocate putting gays in jail just for being gay... well, unless he was from a solidly red district--the two groups do share something in common: focusing on something retarded when there are real problems in the world. Burundi's people would probably like some, oh, I don't know, food? And Americans would like jobs and their 401(k)s to recover.
I'm not a religious person like I used to be. But having grown up very religious, I've been blessed to be able to look at the world through the eyes of a person of extreme faith. And the question I so often want to pose to those foaming at the mouth at anti-abortion rallies or spewing hatred and outright ridiculous lies at anti-gay marriage rallies (or even villifying those unAmurican illegal immigrants who are takin' our jewbs!) is this: When you're standing before God on the Day of Judgment, don't you think He might be a little disappointed with the fact that you spent so much time and energy trying to control His children rather than... donating to the poor (as Jesus instructed), visiting those in prison (as Jesus instructed), healing the sick (as Jesus instructed)...?
Wouldn't it be funny if the real factor that ended up driving gay equality in the U.S. was just sheer fatigue combined with a sense that maybe there are bigger problems in the world than letting Adam & Steve get married? Perhaps they can honeymoon in Burundi. Oh wait... it still sucks. Nevermind.
Our friend Wikipedia notes that Burundi is one of the poorest nations on the planet. Over 80% of its people live in poverty. I'm so glad this country's leaders are focusing on the things that are really important. Screw food and shelter; imprison them gays!
I wonder if anyone took the time to explain to Burundi's elected leaders that you cannot choose to be gay. Recent scholarship uncovered that the oft cited "gay conversion" studies of the 1970s may have been faked. It's like one man interviewed for a psychological study once answered in response to the question of whether he chose to be gay: "Who wakes up one morning and decides to be society's definition of a deviant?" And, really, anyone who "chooses" to limit his dating pool to 10% or less of the population would just be stupid... or really bad at math.
While no one would mistake American conservatives for Burundi nutjobs--I mean, I'm sure no Republican politician would advocate putting gays in jail just for being gay... well, unless he was from a solidly red district--the two groups do share something in common: focusing on something retarded when there are real problems in the world. Burundi's people would probably like some, oh, I don't know, food? And Americans would like jobs and their 401(k)s to recover.
I'm not a religious person like I used to be. But having grown up very religious, I've been blessed to be able to look at the world through the eyes of a person of extreme faith. And the question I so often want to pose to those foaming at the mouth at anti-abortion rallies or spewing hatred and outright ridiculous lies at anti-gay marriage rallies (or even villifying those unAmurican illegal immigrants who are takin' our jewbs!) is this: When you're standing before God on the Day of Judgment, don't you think He might be a little disappointed with the fact that you spent so much time and energy trying to control His children rather than... donating to the poor (as Jesus instructed), visiting those in prison (as Jesus instructed), healing the sick (as Jesus instructed)...?
Wouldn't it be funny if the real factor that ended up driving gay equality in the U.S. was just sheer fatigue combined with a sense that maybe there are bigger problems in the world than letting Adam & Steve get married? Perhaps they can honeymoon in Burundi. Oh wait... it still sucks. Nevermind.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T Your Reader
Someone recently relayed this message to me. It was sent to him by someone on the Internets:
The best advice I ever learned about writing came from law school. It's a shame that teachers do not stress it at younger ages. The advice is simple: The purpose of good writing is to make your point as clearly as possible to your reader.
If your words require a lengthy description, be liberal with your words. If a paragraph will do, use a paragraph. Someone once asked Abe Lincoln--a rather tall guy--how long a man's legs should be. Lincoln replied that they should be long enough to reach the ground. Touché, Mr. President.
But length isn't the worst problem today. That would be the inability to hold down the shift key, inability to properly punctuate, and this incessant abbreviation. OMG, englsh nvr usd 2 b this silly be4! LOLz.
When you get right down to it, it's a problem of disrespect. Selfishness. It's an arrogant/careless writer who cares more about himself than about the person for whom he is writing. I have no proof to back up this claim, but I suspect people who write craptastic blurbs like the one above are the same type of people who hit little old ladies with their cars, steal from the collection plate, and fail to use deodorant.
"hey sxc , wat u doin do u hve msn or anotha chat? :)try chat sometim.hve a webcam i use thats instead of a pic and least u no its me so is thats ok so i cn at least shw u wat i look lyk so u no who u r chating to lol"Grammar and spelling seem to be dying a rapid death. I pity my sister, a college English professor, when I read what her students are passing off as papers. I had a class in undergrad in which we had to write a fake résumé. The professor told us that if we had two grammatical errors, we'd receive an "F" on the assignment. The class groaned. And I immediately thought, "If it were a real résumé, and it had two grammatical errors, you idiots wouldn't be getting the job. You should be thanking the professor for being a hardass."
The best advice I ever learned about writing came from law school. It's a shame that teachers do not stress it at younger ages. The advice is simple: The purpose of good writing is to make your point as clearly as possible to your reader.
If your words require a lengthy description, be liberal with your words. If a paragraph will do, use a paragraph. Someone once asked Abe Lincoln--a rather tall guy--how long a man's legs should be. Lincoln replied that they should be long enough to reach the ground. Touché, Mr. President.
But length isn't the worst problem today. That would be the inability to hold down the shift key, inability to properly punctuate, and this incessant abbreviation. OMG, englsh nvr usd 2 b this silly be4! LOLz.
When you get right down to it, it's a problem of disrespect. Selfishness. It's an arrogant/careless writer who cares more about himself than about the person for whom he is writing. I have no proof to back up this claim, but I suspect people who write craptastic blurbs like the one above are the same type of people who hit little old ladies with their cars, steal from the collection plate, and fail to use deodorant.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Guns for all Law Abiding Citizens!
HuffPo reports that robberies on the CTA (Chicago's trains and buses) are up 77%. Can I now legally have a gun to protect myself, Mayor Daley? Or are you still going to pretend that the Second Amendment doesn't apply in Chicago?
I still haven't heard the mayor's explanation for why gun violence has increased since the total ban on handguns (minus those grandfathered in) went into effect in Chicago in 1982. Sounds like keeping guns out of the hands of people who want to protect themselves is working swimmingly there, eh, mayor? After all, we all know criminals always stop to ponder the legality of their actions before they buy a stolen gun for $10 on a street corner, right?
In a perfect world, there would be no guns. In America in 2009, I think the only reasonable approach is the following: the criminals have guns. Lots of guns. So how on earth are you going to tell a law abiding person he cannot have one to protect himself?
I still haven't heard the mayor's explanation for why gun violence has increased since the total ban on handguns (minus those grandfathered in) went into effect in Chicago in 1982. Sounds like keeping guns out of the hands of people who want to protect themselves is working swimmingly there, eh, mayor? After all, we all know criminals always stop to ponder the legality of their actions before they buy a stolen gun for $10 on a street corner, right?
In a perfect world, there would be no guns. In America in 2009, I think the only reasonable approach is the following: the criminals have guns. Lots of guns. So how on earth are you going to tell a law abiding person he cannot have one to protect himself?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Droopy Drawers and Stoopid Citizens
The city of Riviera Beach didn't like those pesky kids with their saggy pants. So they passed a law outlawing droopy drawers. $150 for the first violation; $300 for the second.
A referendum endorsing the ban was supported by a whopping 72 percent of city voters. Wow. Letting the people decide things is a great idea! I love democracy!
Except, well, when the stupid laws that people pass are unconstitutional. Which is exactly what a Palm Beach County judge ruled yesterday with respect to the saggy pants law. Yes, much like the black arms bands worn in public schools to protest the Vietnam War, clothing can be a form of free speech. Damn that pesky First Amendment!
Remember Riviera Beach the next time someone starts whining about gay marriage and letting "the people" decide. If 72% of the voters wanted to tell kids how to wear their pants, just imagine how many of them would tell you what you're allowed to do in the bedroom if courts didn't put a stop to such stupidity. Remember, it wasn't until 1972--1972!--that the Supreme Court struck down laws which prohibited unmarried people from possessing contraception.
People aren't experts in constitutional law. And, more often than not, they're just a bunch of old farts waving canes and shouting, "Get the hell off my lawn, you damn kids!
Thank you, beloved judiciary.
A referendum endorsing the ban was supported by a whopping 72 percent of city voters. Wow. Letting the people decide things is a great idea! I love democracy!
Except, well, when the stupid laws that people pass are unconstitutional. Which is exactly what a Palm Beach County judge ruled yesterday with respect to the saggy pants law. Yes, much like the black arms bands worn in public schools to protest the Vietnam War, clothing can be a form of free speech. Damn that pesky First Amendment!
Remember Riviera Beach the next time someone starts whining about gay marriage and letting "the people" decide. If 72% of the voters wanted to tell kids how to wear their pants, just imagine how many of them would tell you what you're allowed to do in the bedroom if courts didn't put a stop to such stupidity. Remember, it wasn't until 1972--1972!--that the Supreme Court struck down laws which prohibited unmarried people from possessing contraception.
People aren't experts in constitutional law. And, more often than not, they're just a bunch of old farts waving canes and shouting, "Get the hell off my lawn, you damn kids!
Thank you, beloved judiciary.
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